rubbish collection day

different people make their lives different things……as such different peoples’ lives evolve around different things………..children, a career,  a hobby, teaching, learning, travelling, shopping…..it can be anything….anything that you would turn into a passion and make it the centre of your life.

i recently found out that the life of one of my neighbours evolves around rubbish..i.e. garbage for the American speakers…..actually the rubbish collection day to be more precise, it is her passion in life to follow on the neighbourhood’s throw-away habits and comment on them as well as keeping a strict moral code around the etiquette of rubbish bag disposal…..in her rubbish etiquette handy booklet you will find these tips:

– the rubbish should only be disposed of in black plastic bags…..not blue, yellow, green or white bags…..black bags and only black. apparently the rubbish collectors will only collect black bags and will decide to ignore all other colours…instead of debating that absurd rule she decides that everyone should follow. I honestly tried to figure out the logic of the black bags and as i expected i failed……what can it be black plastic bags decompose faster than other colours??!!! i doubt it but it could be the reason……rubbish collectors all have a rare colour blindness condition where they can only see black plastic bags????!!!! also a possibility……….do the rubbish collectors have a  secret contract going on with black plastic bag manufacturers…….also an option……aiii i give up i can’t explain this rule

– the rubbish should only be put out on Wednesdays……as early as possible on Wednesday mornings, or in other words you should respect a rigid time frame between 7:00 and 7:30 a.m. if you are too early you shall be frowned upon for leaving your rubbish on the driveway for the different animals to play with (no we don’t live in a zoo, in the forest or in the jungle….and i have yet to see a rat or mouse or proof of their existence)…now leave your rubbish out too late and you shall be stuck with it till the following Wednesday…..so you better make sure your life stops on Wednesdays between 7:00 and 7:30 a.m. so you can dispose of the fruit of your consumerist life

– in compliance with the above point, if you happen to have a full rubbish bag before 7:00 a.m. on Wednesday morning you can leave it in your designated wheelie bin outside the building. the said wheelie bin is not big enough for one rubbish bag…..making use of your designated green wheelie bin will result in you receiving a nice note personally delivered under your front door (special delivery from rubbish etiquette lady)….in this letter you will find neatly written paragraphs about how various animals can make a feast of your black plastic bag (never under estimate the invisible animals…..apparently they can stand up and reach all the way up in your bin pull the black bag out, open it and then invite friends over for a left over pizza dinner)

– to make the above 2 points a bit more complicated and even redundant……rubbish etiquette lady has kindly employed the help of ODD leaning lady…. ODD cleaning lady has a fixation on cleaning the inside and the outside of the green wheelie bins, she has no specific day or time as to when this cleaning will take place as a result we all received a pretty letter about how we should keep our green wheelie bins empty at all times in order to allow ODD cleaning lady indulge in her new obsession….if ODD cleaner is not allowed to cool off her obsession when she wants to then she shall charge us a fine……..yes a fine………………eeerrrmmmm remind me what those bins were for again?  oh yeah sorry i forgot they were there to keep with the general look and feel of the whole street

– last but not least……..all black bin bags should be placed on the drive way before collection deadline as it seems rubbish collectors have not been trained on how to extract rubbish bags from wheelie bins. if you wheel out your bin to the drive way then your plastic bag will remain in the bin (yes it is true i tried it)……………i donno it seems simple enough….train the employees on how to take a plastic bag out of a bin and then you would also fix the problem of magical mythical animals feasting on the black bags……….naaahhh that’s too simple it will break the system, it is more sensible to keep doing it the crazy way

i have tried for a couple of years now to follow her rubbish etiquette guidebook but i couldn’t it seems i am a rubbish rebel oooo a rebel maybe i should get a tattoo or something

i just don’t get it…..how does she do it….in fact how do they all do it….do they all miraculously manage to discipline themselves into only producing a pathetic amount of rubbish to be able to perfectly synchronise with the Wednesday collection……….or does she produce a normal human amount of rubbish and keeps a stash at home all week to comply with her etiquette booklet????? she must have an awful time planning holidays and away from home time since she is forever banned from being further than walking distance on Wednesday morning and really she can’t afford to be too far any other day of the week or she might miss an opportunity to remind us all about how one shall appropriately dispose of one’s rubbish

lady S – see see see what i’m doing here i’m trying to be mysterious………..now add mysterious to rebel and i can start a career in show business ……..back to lady S, she has turned something as mediocre as rubbish collection and disposal into a passion she is an artist of the bins (although ODD cleaning lady does cramp her style sometimes…yes i do mean cramp as in painful muscular spasm that would distort your face into an ugly grimace )

mind you she became more like this after her cat died (tragic yet funny story….a fox ate her cat…..not kidding), so maybe her cat was her life and now it is those big black gems

dear madame S you shall undoubtedly always detest me as i fail to understand your etiquette guide, to me it’s simple i buy black rubbish bags i use i dispose i close bag when full i take it out to bin on Wednesday by deadline and leave it on the driveway…………that’s until i press the play button on my actual life and the rubbish etiquette goes out the window when it doesn’t fit the rest of my daily activities…..no madame S i shall not refuse an invitation on Tuesday night because I have to be up early for Wednesday’s collection…..and I shall travel and be away from home when it suits me and not when i have managed to catch a rubbish collection…….if i have rubbish i shall take it out and make use of the green wheelie bins and yeah that does mean it can sometimes contain a rubbish bag for more than 7 days if i am away…………..and no i will not ask any of my friends to come and take out my rubbish while i am away

madame S you do have a rubbish life………….oo meli the punchline…………yeah OK no comment i am sleepy

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