Category Archives: review

the day Emirates airlines didn’t need customers anymore

did you know that Emirates airlines think of themselves as such a big regional elephant that they actually don’t need customers anymore?

did you know that Emirates airlines would happily tell you “Fuck you, fly with us soon”, if they:

–  left you stranded in a tiny airport for 8:30 hours

–  made you eat expired food that gives you severe allergic reactions for 15 days

– don’t take care of you while stranded in the airport

– refuse to upgrade you to business class as courtesy when above points apply + said business class is empty

– so badly damage your luggage sports equipment that it is beyond reparable

 

yes all of the above happened to me on a recent flight with Emirates airlines, I took the pain of actually following their retarded complaint process just to get an answer today (3 weeks later) saying:

“thank you for your custom, since you purchased an economy ticket Fuck you. fly with us soon. we love you”

copy of their response to follow. oh and their Facebook page admin keeps on deleting my comments because apparently “they are against policy”

 

nice nice


so meli tried kick boxing

truth be told i haven’t been very proud of myself the past few months, it has been almost 4 months now since i have been able to sustain a good exercise routine….after the little kilos i managed to gain during the Ramadan lull my slightly larger ass experienced a strange case of couch sticking

whatever i did i never managed to get my ass unctuck from my very comfy couch, off course my cute ass expanded a little more, then a little more and again some more….etc etc etc. when some of my fave clothes started to feel tight i decided it was enough. i have decided to go back to my old exercising self and kick those few kilos away

anyhooooww, since i am allergic to the gym (i get a bad rash on my face just thinking about it) i had to find something exciting and preferably outdorsy….thus started my quest for a new hobby, a new sport. well i have 2 that i enjoy and would practice religiously but circumstances made them both not practicable since july (heat, humidity, partner not available, travel, bad schedule….etc etc etc).

meli got convinced by a friend that she should try kick boxing, that my fiery temper would suit it very well and that i would love it…….eeerrrrrr some friend that is

i was a bit reluctant, the thought of being in a dojo filled with buffed men and women all tight bodied and tight clothed and me feeling a little “big” and rusty……..i was told i dont have to wear anything special so i wore a pair of longish black leggings and a generic white T that was 3 sizes too big (just making sure i cover my assets) .

so we arrive, i give my details at the entrance a whole list of stuff……….then i had the image of horror…..what if i get knocked out by someone is this why they need so much information so that the hospital staff know what im allergic to when im out

my friend was eager to show off in front of me although she’s not a biff tight bodied super model…..shes just a girl and girls like to be mean and they like to show off, and she did so brilliantly…..she even kept hissing “don’t forget to breath” “breath properly” “see your not fit anymore” “wow you are rusty” allllll through the crapping warm up………and OH MY GOD what a warm up it lasted about 45 minutes out of the whole 1hr30 class. started by small running around the boxing ring (yaaaa there was a ring, this was probably the most exciting part of it all), then entered a series of torture exercises – situps, pushups, lie-down-then-fast-standup thingies….etc all rhythm-ed to more running around the ring

did i say there was an ugly asian buffed up tiny dude yelling at us boot camp style?

then we stop, i think yaaaayyyy thats it finished now they will split us in skill groups (noobs, less noobs, not so noob anymore)….. but noooooo everyone’s in one big awkward group. men, women (yeah that includes some very tall men and some very short women) noobs like me, wannabees (there were lots of those), actually good boxers. they made us do a series of awkwards and to me pointless exercises using gloves this time……so we got split into 2groups, a receiving group and a hitting one. the receivers stood in a huge circle  around the ring and each got given a punch combination, when a hitter got to a receiver the receiver would tell him what combination he had to do…..then you had to punch some random stranger for about 2 minutes. when the circle was finished the roles got switched around so we all had a go.

after this came the kicks, at this point i knew i wasn’t coming back so i wasn’t interested in inflicting so much pain to my joints and sat this part out (oh don’t worry i will enumerate  why i decided i wasn’t going back before it ended)

then we had a series of stretching (about 15minutes) and done

what i thought of the whole experience……glad i did it, never doing it again, its confirmed i don’t like being hit in the face or anywhere else, i don’t particularly like hitting people either, and no it wasn’t relaxing after a stressful work day to punch and kick

now for the real deal, why i would tell my friends DON’T DO IT:

– the wannabees……..waaaay more wannabees in a boxing dojo than a gym. go figure, at least in the gym they look good in spandex. man this place was full of fat bellied balding 30 something men thinking they will miraculously turn into some boxing champion and be discovered one day on a beach by an agent then hollywood decides to turn him into a movie, then a franchise . then he gets alll da gurlz

– the teachers (there were about 4 for 25 people), i was expecting some sexy group of either European, Arab or even Thai oiled tanned chiseled muscle bodies and all…….instead poooof the buble burst, a group of small (one was shorter than me) crooked toothed Thai men who barely spoke understandable English, for some reason they all thought you should know the stuff they’re asking you to do even on your first time……whenever i asked them to explain the instructions because its my fist time and the terminology was alien to me i got a cranky toothed, creepy smile with glossy eyes saying “waadoiioouuu men exxprain agiin, dis iz beesik”……………….to explain

i thought i would be taught by this

or this

instead i was introduced to the sport by this

commmooooonnnnn they must’ve heard of marketing and brand image

– the floor and the sweat……i never experienced this before. i am happy i discovered a new sensation that went straight to my top 5 hate sensations. let me explain,the dojo’s floor was made of soft foam similar to yoga mats…..during the 45 minute exercise all those hairy fat men started sweating….sweating a lot….hell some were soaked…..and when running around the ring you end up in a pool of sweat and usually that pool isn’t YOUR sweat eeewwwwwwwww. yeah while running (barefoot) as the training goes on you start noticing wet patches on the floor……i didn’t realise what it was till i saw most men (and women) were drenched in sweat and that some people’s sweat is so bad that it drops to the floor while they run around or do pushups and all………….eeeewwwwwwww maaaannn i steped with my pretty feet into someone else’s sweat

– the gloves and those stretchy bandages you have to wear for the 1hr30 to “protect” your knuckles and wrists…….those shitty things itched all the way especially the bandages. the gloves made it sweaty and hot and uncomfortable

– the wannabees….yeeehhh those again, in their belief of new boxing/kick boxing champion star they believed it was ok to send out hard punches when playing the receiver/hitter routine. they didn’t seem to understand that the whole point of this was to practice punches and their routine not to try to show off to the girl next to you what you can punch hard…..DUDE CAREFUL YOU ALMOST MISSED AND HIT MY FACE, you are meant to punch my hands

– since there were no particular groups or splitting of levels or anything it seemed to me that it was all pointless. a group of people who think they are catching a “thing” and that they are part of the “in-crowed” because they are doing some exotic sport once a month or whenever they remember that place existed. the whole thing was chaos…………all those instructors were interested in were the entrance fees everyone paid to take part in that circus…….even if that sport isn’t my thing i could have at least enjoyed the teaching method or teacher passion…etc anything, nope saw none of that

– all the girls were actually chubby…..wwwoaaaaaa that actually made me happy i felt all slim and petite again, yeah this item shouldnt be in this list but since i don’t have a “like” list to this post then it shall stay here

– the dojo, i am sure there are some amazing ones, but that particular one was awful dark small no windows stuffy messy

– i failed to see even one poster of JC Van Daaaiiimmm……not one, whaaaat i mean hello he’s da bomb, isn’t he? (this one’s a joke)

that’s it i guess, i am even considering a gym now after kick boxing flop a gym sounds like a nice place…..naaahhhh just kidding ill try a few more new sports before i give up and become a gym junky, for now i am trying to commit to 3 days a week gym until i find something i like

kick boxing DON’T DO IT


not fast enough, maybe a lil furious

i watched Fast & Furious 5 this weekend AKA Fast, no i wasn’t bullied into watching it and no guilt trip was involved….it just happned that it was the only pallatable film showing at my local cinema.

the comforting thing was that with the little brain power i had that day, this movie was perfect plus having seen all previous 4 i knew exactly what to expect reducing the risk of shocking my few awake brain cells into trying to understand what was going on; oh and not to forget the fabulous tub of caramel popcorn i demolished.

i vaguely remember what happened in FF 1,2,3,4 but as is the beauty of the FF series…..it doesn’t matter what happened before we just start all over again anyway, lets say that FF5 was on the same lines. some illegal robing of pretty cars that turns into a mess as it turned into a double theft (there’s a little steal from the thief plot going on) and as expected a super big baddie is involved and little goodies want to save the world yatti yatti yatt

i cant say it was a bad film, to me it perfectly served its purpose (make me enjoy my caramel poppies while day dreaming on a comfy sofa, and not trying shocking my brain into conciousness with any complex metaphors or out of this planet plot).
it had 2 helium bags who fought for big muscle supremacy, each one of the helium balloons had a small gang fellowship, one big baddie and his troops, surprisingly a big amount of guns/bullets and some blood (actually a lot of death but not so much guisom blood….go figure), a few babies either present or “coming soon”, cars, cars, and more cars (but funnily they were not the hero), a few legs/boobs and derrieres, a weired Ocean’s 11/12/13 deja-vu setup, best thing though it has to be said that the story was set in the glorious Rio

now for list of takeaways:
– if you have helium puffed arms, chest and legs it is best to find an equaly puffed airball to fight with
– if you are a pretty blond woman do make a few direct stares at the male object of your interest and narrow your eyes suggestively
– shorts can never be short enough
– family matters
– if you have been an ass but you are family, then just say sorry and your assness will be written off
– if you are a bad guy and want to emphasize your badness then drive a Volkswagen especially black ones
– if you are a good guy and want to emphasize your goodness then drive an American car, especially old ones or black new ones
– no car is fast enough
– Rio has no beach (yes the film included no Rio beach scene…..how they managed this i dont know)
– Rio is run by one big bad guy only, when said bad guy is dead no one will run the place
– if you are a good guy do find and kill the baddest guy you can find, then don’t bother helping the bad guys left behind to get into the good side. they will find their way eventually
– stealing money is cool, stealing big amount of money is super cool, stealing big amounts of money from a bad guy is mega super cool
– stealing a lot of money and keeping it all to yourself is super cool and is something everyone should work towards
– rappers cannot act (even black ones)
– money – lots of it, will buy you a happy ever after life
– if you break the law its ok to kill the police and run away
– if you break the law so badly that you are on the wanted list, its ok to break it even further and be on
the most wanted list. your cool status will be significantly increased
– if you dont like someone just shoot them, they will die and will stop annoying you


Africa United

this one was too cute to be true, it’s  a bit in the fresh cuteness of Juno or Little Miss Sunshine

even if it is your typical under-dog beats the odds type of movie (think Slumdog Millionaire), but still the actors and hero (Dudu) are too endearing to leave you indifferent. Look away now if you dont want to know what this movie is about…………look away now.now.now………..too late

its the story of 2 orphan Rwandan children/siblings  (HIV orphans….stereotypes 1 and 2), the boy is a football fanatic and is best friends with the village’s football genius who happens to be from a wealthy family where we do not speak to commoners (stereotype number 3). they go on a crazy journey from Rwanda to South Africa so they can participate in the 2010 world cup…..this represents a little more than 4,800 kilometers and crossing the borders of 8 different countries without official papers, money or adults. 0n the way they make friends with a Congolese child soldier (stereotype 5) and a teenage sex worker from Burundi (stereotype number 6)…..together they are Africa United

the movie deals with the usual been there-done that topics: HIV, protect yourself when you have sex in Africa with a free UN condom, famine, poverty, child soldiers, war, refugee camps, education, the UN and religious help (always Christians mind you……do Muslims not help in Africa? they probably don’t), borders and crossing them, corruption………..the only theme i am still puzzled as to why the movie didn’t treat was the Rwandan genocide, especially that stereotype 1 and 2 are orphans they could’ve made them orphans of the genocide or go half half with HIV so kill off one of the parents with the genocide then finish the other one off with HIV……………i’m sure Warner Brothers and Pathe had valid reasons (even if questionable)

Eriya Ndayambaje was amazing in his portrayal of Dudu (our hero or stereotype 1), this is the kid’s first piece as an actor and i thought he was mind blowing. so enchanting, endearing, funny, witty, protective, caring….he brought the movie to life, not only was his character the lead but his acting was also the lead….it was as if all the other actors were following his queue just like their characters were doing in the story; he will keep you awake……….i know i want to see him again and i hope its soon

one tiny glitch, i wouldn’t say this is cinema material……i watched it on DVD and was very pleased with it. perfect afternoon or evening in type of watching, you miss 5 minutes because you went to pee you’l have to rewind

morals of the story (yes they are predictable):

– follow your dreams no matter how crazy or impossible they seem

– “impossible is nothing” (quote from Dudu……….probably sponsored by Adidas)

– “the world is your Ostrich” (another quote from Dudu)

– the UN is the official hidden sponsor of the 2010 Worldcup…………… or UN condoms more precisely

– all African people are black (the white ones from the North are importers and the white ones from the south are fake)

– you can walk barefoot in the jungle and not hurt your feet

– all African people can speak English and can understand each other……..even if from different countries (hhhhmmmmm yeah we will ignore the fact that they all have different local languages or even ethnic language and that they were not all former British colonies so English might not be a widely spoken language in their country………………its ok they are all African and black they all look the same they should all understand each other)

– condoms will make you happy even if you haver a shitty life (maybe some of the characters from Another Year should ask for UN condoms)

– money is everything in life, without money you can do noooooothing


this 2010 movie is not to be confused with the 2005 movie also called Africa United (about another African football fanatic “Zico”)


Another Year………in Londontown suburbia

another one of my reviews…………not sure how to tackle this one. i watched it a few weeks ago and everytime i think about it i am still not sure i like it or not

the actors were fresh enough and gave an exact impersonation of a few stereotypical London suburbia characters (at least to me it was typical). the story nothing special, just the recitation of everyday life of an old married couple (Tom and Gerri…..yes you read it right) and the different people in their lives……….although mainly its about their deeply depressed lonely 40 something friend, another obese heavy drinker lonely friend, their lonely son and his girlfriend (yet she comes in at a later stage of the movie), Tom’s lonely widower brother………and that’s pretty much it

i don’t regret paying for this movie, but i am sure i will not watch it again. and if in a couple of years its on TV for free i’ll probably flick the channel to something else

morals of the story…..if there are any:

– planting your own vegetables makes you happy

– having a few friends is important even if they are all lonely and depressed..as long as you are not the rest doesn’t matter

– if you have a life partner (wife/husband/girlfriend/boyfriend/brother/sister/mother/father) then you will never be lonely

– if you have a spouse you’ll be happier than average (especially if you are having regular sex with the said spouse)

– if you have a spouse it is OK to discreetly make fun of your miserable friends with your spouse while they are not listening

– if you are miserable don’t try to get out of your misery, find a couple of happy friends and try to drag them down with you

– if you are miserable do not commit suicide and release yourself and the world around you….no no no, stick around and do as the above point

– it can be very grey in London

– people from northern England have funny accents


The King’s Speech

wow, just wow

simple yet elegant just as i like them. not too much fluff going on or too many things jumping at you crying for your attention, even the moments of silence were so well calculated and orchestrated

i loved it, i only watched it once but i’m planning to watch it at least once more at home (i don’t usually watch movies more than once). I find that this movie is not all about the story itself, because the story is simple really and full of already known historical facts.

the treasure of this movie i find is in everything else but the story, its in the actors, the scene setting, the costumes, the soundtrack…………………….all of it was so simple, precise, clean,  and so much oozing of elegance just like a well cut Chanel jacket; you almost felt as if you had to sit up right and drink a cup of tea out of fine china to watch it.

the actors, oh my god it has been a while since i watched a movie with so many good actors actually all doing what they were paid to do…act well. Colling Firth, well we all know how good he played since he won an Oscar for it. but all the others I thought were marvelous, Helena Bonham Carter was wowing (i didn’t realise the woman was still capable of playing someone normal), Geoffrey Rush was amazing (I don’t remember seeing this guy in anything good before this), Guy Pearce very convincing ,Michael Gambon……all fabulous

this movie took me through a roller coaster of feelings happiness, sadness, intrigue, anger, anguish, frustration, pity, pride….and i am probably leaving a few out. Don’t get me started on the soundtrack Mozart and Beethoven will rock my boat any day

this one made it to my top 10


Gulliver’s Travels, or how Jack Black peed on a king while air guitaring to Kiss

trying a new typeface and colour, a few of you have been apparently blinded by the typeface i had with the new layout. Let me know if this is still blinding

unable to sleep, i just decided that i will post a few film reviews that have been long pending in my brain’s outbox.

not a great one to start with but thought i’d stick it there before i forget i actually watched it, this can be a nice watch of you are home on a rainy afternoon and that you have no energy left to think let alone make your ass leave the hollow curve it formed between the sofa’s 2nd and 3rd pillows.

A classical Jack Black movie with no surprises, he plays the fat loser with a crush on a cute girl….blah blah blah blah…..air guitar……..sing sing sing………more air guitar…….Kiss,Prince,Lady Gaga (huh what she doing here?)………more air guitar….blah blah blah……….he gets the girl in the end

this is supposedly based on the novel of the same name by Jonathan Swift, this was one of my favorite novels as a child and really this movie does nothing to it. so if you haven’t read the novel don’t let this movie give you any bad ideas about the book. after 30 minutes of watching i actually thought that this was a comedy take on the novel which to me sounded like a great idea……but alaaas this tiny thought vanished quickly after that.

a great novel, a blaaahhhh movie, Jack Black was Jack Black, Emily Blunt was actually not too bad i thought….she didn’t seem to take her self too seriously which gave her character this comedy take………rest of the cast as i don’t remember any of them i don’t think any were remarkable

don’t pay for this one, watch if it is free and only if you have no more than 2 brain cells still awake

oh and Jack Black does pee on a king’s head, one of the movie’s best WTF moments