Tag Archives: how to

how to catch a mouse

If confronted by a mouse, before you shriek and leap to the nearest chair, there are 3 things to remember:

– it is possibly more frightened than you

– it is no larger than a bar of soap

– mice can’t climb upward – but rats can. Which is absolutely no comfort. If the thing is climbing the chair leg run for the door and scream like hell. Rats might be considered “adaptable, successful and clever”, in the zodiac, but in real life you have to accept they are just too revolting a concept for even a heroic moggy to deal with. Get them OUT

Being calm is not really important at the initial meeting, it is how you react afterwards that counts.

It does not matter how small and “cute”  a rat may look. Are you crazy? This is an optical illusion and no one sane should keep them. They are germ magnets. Mice, rats and any rodents are simply not fun, which is why this problem is an emergency. You definitely do not want it as a pet. Cats, dogs, goldfish are acceptable, guinea pigs borderline. If you have room, why not get a horse or a dolphin or something exciting and exotic?

If a mouse moves in, you have to move fast, charge rent or evict them before they start to breed. A Mr. and Mrs. Mouse can have up to 285 babies a year (ewwwwww), and you certainly don’t want to be housing that. Remember who’s the boss – you are. Who’s paying the rent? Exactly. Don’t give them free stay at the Penthouse Pantry with 24hr room service.

Draw up a battle plan:

1- Do you have a cat? If so, have a chat with it, any chance of it doing its job? Making you proud?

2- Do you want to get a cat or do you have any other pet that wants to tackle the situation for their beloved mistress (a hubby, boyfriend,brother also count)?

3- Can you get rid of it humanely? It is still a living thing so you don’t have to kill it. You will find in supermarkets (and specialised shops) ways to rid yourself of rodents that are alternatives to poison. You can buy all forms of traps that will keep them till you set them free (again ewwww). It is recommended (this is what most packs will say), though, that traps are inspected at least once a day, preferably every couple of hours, to avoid stress to captures mouse. They don’t however mention anything about your stress levels in doing this.

After the culprit has been caught, assess your house from a mouse’s point of view. Tidy up any tasty, easy-access food, board up holes that make things easy for them. Clean and polish every nook and cranny, get professionals if it’s too huge a task. Mice like to travel under the safety of cover, so remove any chance of that. If they get a sniff of a whiff of food, particularly sugar, that’s it they’re hypnotised. Keep things out of harm’s reach. They can squeeze through gaps as small as an apricot.

OK, now this was super gross for me to write (I hate rodents). But thought it was another funny chapter from my book.


how to complain with class

I am reading a book called How to Walk in High Heels (by Camilla Morton), the book is hilarious and full of “useful” tips on everything, I am going to post  few of those tips every now and again and this is the first one.

There are some people who are never satisfied and who kick off at every opportunity. Then there are those who are silent as a stealth-bomber but when they blow -wow- they really lose their rag.

Always try to be the latter, if you cry wolf too often people won’t listen to you when there’s a real emergency.

first stop, count to ten. Do you have grounds for complaint? Be very friendly, present the problem and ask what they can do to assist you. You don’t want to alienate your target, get them to empathise.

Always complain in a slow, low voice. If you start in a screech you will have nothing to crescendo up to.

Always aim to have a captive audience, evidence, a witness and an alibi, and a packet of tissues for any dramatic eye dabbing.

They should immediately seize the offending garment or dish (if in a restaurant) and offer you a full and immediate refund or replacement.

Remember: never get too irate and don’t lose sight of the fact that YOU are the victim.

Never throw food over the waiter – you lose the evidence and it weakens your case.

Always get the name of the idiot who is not assisting you, and assure them you will contact their boss. Promise also to contact the press, do an expose, call the police, lawyers, TV….etc your voice could perhapse waver at this point.

If all else fails, get your coat and entourage and LEAVE IMMEDIATELY. Never back down, or apologise if they are in the wrong (don’t apologise even if you are in the wrong – this is my own personal addition- or you risk looking very stupid after you did all of the above).

Don’t look over your shoulder. You can make counter-attacks via phone/letter from the safety and comfort of your home, with the advantage of time, clarity and distance on your side.

Always make sure your opinion is heard.